As a little girl you dream of having kids and what a wonderful process it will be. Never for one second did I think I would be ‘that person’ with fertility issues. I always thought I am healthy, take care of myself, workout, eat right, etc. etc. but that didn't seem to matter. Something was WRONG with ME. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and once I was diagnosed with PCOS we finally knew how to proceed. We still continued to struggle to get pregnant with Wyatt and I became very well known among the staff at my fertility clinic (due to my many weekly visits). But once we finally found a solution that worked and I became pregnant, I thought number 2 would be a breeze. We could skip all the trail that we took to conceive with Wy-man and go straight to what we know works. And since I am a planner, I was super excited about this possible plan.
But when the time came around we were back in the same fertility office adding many more pages of notes to my chart (which was already 2.5 inches thick), but I was welcomed with open arms by all the familiar faces I had met 3 years prior. After seeing them for another 8 months, we were once again hit over the head with another blow. Not only did the process we took with Wyatt (Repronex shots in the stomach for 10 days to be exact) fail, we tried that process twice...the second one still failing after 26 days straight of shots. I was very discouraged.
But even after all of my research and my many conversations, nothing truly prepare me for what I was about to go through. I even sat in my initial consultation with the nurse teaching me how to administer all of my shots (3 times a day mind you) and it didn’t sink in until I looked through my bag of meds. What was I getting myself into? (This photo doesn't include the 4 other times I went back to get more syringes.) Giving myself shots in the abdomen 3 times a day was a challenge by my body reacted well. I took a break from teaching Zumba and was even able to take some time off work. If I was going to do this, I wasn’t going to mess around with extra stress. And without providing too many of the gory details (that you probably don’t care to know anyway) we were able to implant 1 – grade A blastocyst (in terms we all understand – a fertilized egg). And from what I understand, grade A’s are sometimes hard to come by.
Then we began the waiting game. It was the LONGEST two weeks of my life. I was an emotional wreck – poor Mike. But he was a champ through it all. One week after the procedure I went back to work. That helped keep my mind off of the waiting…but I hadn’t realize what the meds had done to me during that 2 week time period, after all I had worn workout clothes for two months. When I went to put on my normal clothes they no longer fit - the meds had made me balloon up and I looked 3 months pregnant already! I thought to myself, “OMG, I don’t even know if I am pregnant, how am I going to hide it?!” I had to work very hard to dress in baggy clothes as much as I possibly could. But I wasn’t hiding it very well. :)
(I was 5 weeks along in this photo!)
But then the end of the two week wait was drawing near. We were told that because of all the meds it was best not to do a home test due to the risk of false negative results, so I was bound not to take one at home. However, I about caved the night before we went in for a blood test…but I am happy to report I remained strong. I patiently waited to do the pregnancy test and blood draw at the doctor’s office the next morning…but then we waited and waited to find out the results. And due to my anxiety level being SO high (imagine that) I was reading into every little thing. For example, the Kleenex box had been placed on the table where we were sitting rather than on the side table where it normally rested. (Yes, I noticed the Kleenex box had moved.) And I even evaluated the nurse’s face that came in to tell us the doctor would be with us shortly – and of course I thought she wasn’t smiling like normal so that was a bad sign. (To my defense, I know these nurses and their mannerisms quite well since I was seeing them on a weekly basis with Wyatt and then again with this round – and this gal was usually really happy.)
So we continued to wait – for another 10 minutes or so, but it felt like 30. Finally Amie, the nurse who I saw the most with this round of treatments, finally came into the office. I wasn’t sure what to think – we were waiting for the doctor, why was a nurse coming in?! But she smiled and I instantly knew I had a positive pregnancy test! (It is bringing back tears to my eyes as I type.) Come to find out, the doctor was in with a new patient that was taking longer than expected and she couldn’t have me waiting any longer – so she came in and shared the wonderful news with us. We were ecstatic. And then of course I needed those Kleenex that had been placed on the table, but thankfully it was for my tears of joy!
At least now I know it’s okay to look pregnant, but how was I going to continue to hide it? My plan was to not inform my office until I was at least 8 weeks along, but by 6 weeks we were able to see the heartbeat during our ultrasound which provided a slight sense of release that things were coming along well. And since I wasn’t able to find any other clothes to cover my bump, I was able to share my news. Since then I have had an 8 week, 10 week and 12 week ultrasound to ensure the baby is growing – and I am happy to report that things are going great! AND, I am even happier to say that the DAILY shots that I Mike had to give me in the hinny until I was 12 weeks along are finally over and it is so wonderful! I can now sit without pain! ;-) (Oh the things we do for our children!)
10 1/2 weeks along.
My belly have been large from the beginning due do all the meds and as everything inside goes back to normal, my belly is compensating – so really, it’s staying about the same size even though the baby is growing by leaps and bounds. But eventually I will get back to ‘normal’ pace – or so they say. But as a comparison, I look about as pregnant now at 12 weeks that I did with Wyatt at 18 weeks, but it’s totally worth it! (Please excuse the bad photos...) As happy as I am now, I'd be lying if I said there were many times I didn't think to myself, "This isn't fair. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" But I just had to remind myself that I needed to turn everything over to God. No matter how much I try to plan everything out, he is truly in control. And although Wyatt and Baby Davidson might not have their college paid for like I had always dreamed of, I know deep down that is okay...if we wouldn't have spent the money up front, we wouldn't have these two joys to share our lives with.
Even through all the stress, anxiety, pain, emotion or heartbreak we have endured, when I hold that baby in my arms it will all go away. And am counting down the days.